Meat cravings
by 1458
Summary: Tsuna doesn't particularly care if the VARIA up and leaves the country because their boss has a sudden craving. It's what happens as a result to satisfy that craving that Tsuna is concerned about. Very concerned about.


_Another glass shattered over the wall. "What did you say, trash?"_

_"__VOOOIIIII ARE YOU DEAF SHITTY BOSS." Squalo dodged yet another glass. "VOOOOOIIIIII"_

_"__Boss, there is no more Surrao in the fridg-" Unlike Squalo, Levi took the glass in the face._

_"__Send some trash to bring it on express."_

_"__Mou boss, the boys said it would take them at least a week." This time the glass was crushed in Xanxus' hand._

_"__A week." Xanxus stood up._

_"__VOOOIIII SHITTY BOSS DON'T KILL OUR MEN JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO EAT SURRAO."_

_Xanxus threw him a death glare. "It does not take a week to travel, kill a fucking goat and come back. If they want a vacation I'll give the trash a permanet one."_

_"__Muu… boss, they left a few hours ago." Mammon had rejected their request of money to purchase plane tickets so they ended up paying from their own pockets._

_"__Boss, I will go and kill a Surrao for you right now."_

_"__Ushishishi, the peasant thinks he can kill a goat. Ushishishishi."_

_"__Bel-senpai, it's not like you can do any better."_

_Knives flew across the room. "Ushishishi, the froggy thinks he can out do the prince?"_

_"__I'll pass. I don't want to run around the mountains looking for a goat-"_

_Xanxus shot a beam of flames at them. "Trash. We are going to Brazil."_

_…_

"Wait wait wait." Tsuna held both hands up and paused, not for dramatic effect but merely because the situation was so… hard to describe that he couldn't find the correct words to express himself. "So you're saying that you flew half way across the world, leaving the Varia mansion commander less for over a week and not reporting your departure to HQ… for a piece of meat."

Xanxus shrugged.

Hayato was openly gaping beside his boss while Reborn had found the entire situation absolutely hilarious, giving a half-assed attempt of controlling his laughter.

"… Xanxus, why were you dead set on eating Surrao anyways?"

"Because I wanted to, brat."

"Are you a pregnant woman with cravings?" Hayato jabbed, completely unfazed by the death glare.

Tsuna stepped between the two of them before a potentially expensive battle occurred. "Please continue, Xanxus."

Both Xanxus and Hayato growled at each other one last time before Xanxus leaned back in his seat and continued.

…

_"__Voi… I can't believe we are actually here." Squalo was actually starting to worry about his hair turning grey before retirement. He was so stressed that he didn't even remember that his hair can't turn grey anymore._

_Lussuria was already running out of the plane, arms spread open. "Mou~ Brazilian men, come to Lussuria~"_

_"__Ushishishi… now the peasant can prove that he can catch a goat."_

_"__Bel-senpai, didn't you want to catch a goat as well?" Fran found himself once again being used as a living target board._

_"__Kaching. There is no need for me to run around the mountains looking for a goat. Since I am a prince."_

_Puling out the blades one by one, Fran glanced at Mammon, who was floating around looking like the boredest arcobaleno in the world. Actually, that might be Verde. "Mammon-senpai, why are you here as well?"_

_"__Mu… following boss around when he leaves without informing HQ is part of my paycheck."_

_Fran blinked as Bel turned to the floating mist user curiously. "Ushishishi, the brat paid you? Ushishishi, he's getting smarter."_

_"__Mammon-senpai, Decimo doesn't also pay you to report boss's location?"_

_"__He did." Mammon shrugged. "Boss paid me not to tell him."_

_"__Ah."_

_…_

"…" Tsuna rubbed his temple, absolutely not impressed. "Reborn… remind me to have a long chat with Mammon later."

Reborn shifted his fedora. "Just give it up, Dame-Tsuna. Viper was always like that, the only thing you can do is pay him even more."

"Juudaime, how much are you paying him right now anyways?"

Tsuna's lips formed a thin line. "About that, I'm technically not paying him anything. We formed an agreement… I let him watch over Xanxus' allowance."

"…" Hayato blinked twice. "…Allowance? Not paycheck?"

"Allowance. That's what grandpa called the funds for Xanxus' meat supply."

"…pfft."

"Hayato."

Instantly covering his mouth, Hayato took two deep breaths and bowed. "Excuse me, Juudaime."

Reborn sighed at the scene and returned the attention to Xanxus. "Continue."

_…_

_After calming down from her brazilian men high, Lussuria looked around the vast open field and realized a small problem. "So… what does Surrao look like anyways?"_

_"__It's red."_

_"… __Boss, all meat is red. What does it look like when it's still alive and whole?"_

_"__Well it's a fucking goat. What do goats look like?"_

_Fran turned around and pointed to a nearby goat. "Then is that a Surrao?"_

_"__Voi. According to that trash, this is a Repartida." Squalo rejoined the group after his little polite chat with the terrified farmer._

_"__Ushishishi, the froggy is wrong."_

_"__Mu… stop wasting time. Where does Surrao live?"_

_"__Goats live on mountains."_

_"__Of course boss! I will head to the mountains right away." Levi saluted Xanxus and marched towards a distant looking mountain._

_"__Ushishishi, the prince bets that the peasant would get lost."_

_"__Mou~ We can't abandon Levi-chan. Let's go!"_

_…_

"Juudaime? What's wrong."

"It's nothing Hayato…" Tsuna gave a loud sigh and almost teared up due to stress. "That is foreshadowing, isn't it!? Oh, please tell me it isn't."

"Dame-Tsuna, suck it up and sit through the whole thing without crying."

_…_

_"__VOOIII HOW THE FUCK DID WE END UP IN THE RAINFOREST?!" Squalo pointed his sword at Levi._

_"__It's that stupid prince's fault. He was the one who told us to follow him 'because he is a prince'."_

_"__Kaching. The pheasant was the one who told us to just look up and walk towards the mountains." Bel looked up. "Ushishishi, the trees are blocking the prince's view of the mountains."_

_"__Mou, don't blame it on me, Mammon-chan was the one with the map." Lussuria turned a full circle. "Mammon-chan?"_

_"… __Where the fuck are the mist trashes. Both of them."_

_There was a moment of silence._

_"__Kaching. Mammon and the frog ran off."_

_…_

"Reborn… I think I really need a long chat with Mammon."

"… I will remind you later."

"Thank you."

Hayato slammed both hands on the table as he stood up. "How the hell did you end up in the forest anyways? Haven't you been to Brazil enough times to know better than that? Ever heard of a GPS?"

Xanxus looked at him in annoyance. "Trash, we've been to the _cities_ of Brazil many times, not the fucking country."

"And the GPS?"

"Oh. Hayato, the Varia requested to not carry GPS's so they can remain untraceable. Shoichi is still working on an anonymous GPS." Tsuna explained.

Xanxus snorted at the storm guardian. "What, don't tell me you walk around carrying a GPS all day."

"…I don't." Hayato grumbled and sat back down. He too had requested to not carry a GPS and was waiting for one of Shoichi's inventions.

…

_"Mou... Boss, the fire won't light." Lussuria was frantically rubbing the twigs together, with no idea how to actually start a fire._

_Xanxus pulled out his gun and shot a ball of wrath flames at the sticks, lighting it the violent way._

_Lussuria clapped gleefully. "Oooh, fire~ I wonder when Bel-chan and captain are back-"_

_A very annoyed Bel walked into view, covered in leaves, with a grumbling Squalo behind him in the same condition._

_"Kaching. The shark let the deer get away."_

_"VOOII I DID NOT."  
_

_Lussuria gave a dramatic sigh and placed a hand on both of their arms. "Mou, what happened?"_

_"Ushishishi, the prince caught a deer. Then commander got his hair stuck in the wire the prince magnificently constructed and cut the wire with his sword."_

_"Voi. Why was that wire connected to the deer trap anyways? It ended up cutting down half of the trees in the area."  
_

_"Ushishishi, because the prince is a genius."_

_All three of them dodged a beam of wrath flames shot, which ended up destroying quite a few trees because of that. "Trash. Catch some food."_

_"Bosssssss." Levi ran into view looking like the proudest man in the world. "I present you some food." A wide array of fruits and nuts were laid at Xanxus' feet._

_Xanxus stared at the fruit and picked one up. Then he threw it at Levi. "Trash. This is poisonous." In irritation, he picked up the rest of the fruits and began chucking it to all of the Varia. "Get me some food."_

_…_

Tsuna gave Xanxus an emotionless stare, so stressed that he couldn't even scream anymore, and pulled out his cell phone. "...Enma-kun... could you send Aoba-san, Mizuno-san and Shittoppi-chan to the Amazon Rainforest?"

"The rainforest as well? Ok, I'm on it Tsuna-kun."

"Thanks."

"You idiots don't know how to survive in a forest?" Reborn looked quite scandalized. "How can you be an independent assassination squad if you don't even have basic survival skills?"

"If you haven't noticed, hitman, most of the scum live in cities or, at the very least, where other people live."

Hayato snorted. "The last time the Varia went after someone who lived in the forest they destroyed the entire thing."

"... Please don't remind me..." Tsuna moaned, pulling his hair.

"Ah! My apologizes Juudaime."

…

_"Boss, we have finally exited the forest."  
_

_"Ushishishi, we can see, peasant." Bel looked around, noticing that the scenery looked very familiar, as if they exited the same place they entered. "..."_

_"Trash. The goat."_

_Immediately, Squalo, Lussuria and Levi (carrying Xanxus on his throne) charged to the mountains. _

_After hiking on the highlands for some time, they finally spotted a goat._

_"__VOOOOOOOOIIIIIII."_

_Due to the yelling, the goat ran away. No shit._

_"__VOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIII STUPID GOAT STOP MOVING."_

_…_

"... Why... did Squalo yell?"

"I believe they were excited, Juudaime, since they had spent the last 5 days in the forest and 2 days in the mountains before finally seeing a goat for the first time. The stupid cow does the same when he finally solves a math question."

Reborn snickered. "Good job Gokudera, for comparing the commander of the Varia to a middle school child."

"Thank you very much, Reborn-san."

…

_"VOOOIII STUPID GOAT!"_

_"Mou~ Lussuria isn't scary, you know."_

_"I must catch you for boss."_

_Xanxus stared as the three of them ran around the mountain wildly, chasing after the goat. After living a week in the wild, without adequate food and no meat, all three of began to exhibit primitive behaviour. In other words, they had just simply stopped thinking._

_As for the boss of those three... well, after being meat and alcohol deprived for a week and living off of only berries and nuts, Xanxus' level of irritation had basically exceeded Hibari Kyoya's. He took out his gun and fired enormous beams of wrath flames everywhere. (He had stopped thinking as well.)_

_Varia quality was not called varia quality for nothing. The three of the varia were able to dodge and save themselves from being charred by pure instincts. _

_The goat wasn't as lucky._

_Moments after the poor goat was caught in the crossfire, Levi lunged at it and instantly gave the barbecued goat to Squalo to chop up. The commander of the varia swung his sword tactlessly at the goat before he was satisfied._

_"Boss, here is your meat."_

_Grabbing the meat the first time in 7 days, Xanxus took a huge bite out of it and froze._

_"Trash. This isn't Surrao."_

_…_

"Oh no!" Hayato sarcastically cried. "Should I play some fanfare to heighten the dramatic effect?"

"Gokudera, behave, he just got to the good part." Reborn smirked, fully enjoying the story.

Xanxus gave both of them a very annoyed glare.

"When is this story over...?" Tsuna groaned.

"Almost brat."

"Why am I more afraid now that you said that?"

…

_As if a hidden switch was flipped, all of the varia lost the last of their tact and stealth, chasing after goats with all they had. Box weapons, flames and weapons of all sorts were summoned as none of the varia held back._

_They spend the day chasing after multiple breeds of goat._

_"Boss~ I found a sexy goat."_

_"VOOOOIIII HERE IS A STUPID GOAT."_

_"Boss! I have killed a goat."_

_Taking a bite out of each piece of meat, Xanxus remained unsatisfied. "Where the fuck is the Surrao?"_

_And repeat._

_Lussuria was the first to exit from her goat hunting mode after she nearly slipped on some loose rocks. She stared at the destruction worriedly. T__hey had end up destroying a good part of the Brazilian highlands. And there was still no Surrao. __"Mou, this is not going to end well..." Fishing out her cell phone, she dialled a familiar number. "Tsuna-chan, SOS!"_

_... Which led to the present situation._

_". . . . . ." Tsuna gaped at the nearly flattened mountains and quickly phoned Enma and his guardians to rebuild the highlands._

_Reborn blinked twice and shrugged. And people wondered why he had never wanted to be a mafia boss.__  
_

_Hayato stared impassively at the destruction. This was pretty bad but he has seen worse (he has done worse on his own), not that he will ever voice out his thoughts. For both his and Tsuna's sake. Redirecting the anger to himself is quite a stupid thing to do after all._

_…_

"Let's just ignore the punishment for now until we finish dealing with a greater issue." Tsuna secretly smiled at the Varia's small exhales of relief. "It is obviously a problem that the Varia can't even survive in the forest on their own. Luckily, I found the perfect teacher for you."

An absolutely fuming Lal Mirch stomps beside Tsuna, not even containing her black aura directed at the Varia.

The Varia share looks, each silently questioning the other when they managed to anger the woman. The matching looks of confusion quickly indicating that none of them had, as far as they remembered.

Tsuna caught the shared looks. Walking past them, he placed a hand on Xanxus' shoulder. "By the way, the highlands you destroyed are the home to one of Lal's favourite type of berries. While Enma can completely restore the habitat it will take a bit of time… let's just say that Lal won't be having her beloved berries for a while."

Smiling, Tsuna waved at the Varia as he left them to Lal's mercy. She has no mercy.

* * *

_Omake:_

_Mammon snuck off without a second thought. He was not going to walk all the way to the mountains just for a goat unless he was paid extra. Walking to the side of a barn, he watched as the varia __head into the forest. But not alone. __"Fran. Bel didn't drag you along?"_

_Fran lifted the illusion of invisibility off himself and shrugged. "Bel-senpai is too excited about hunting a goat. It was easy to escape from him."_

_"Mu... This is one of the rare times that I am glad he acts like a child."_

_"Mammon-senpai, are we going to stay here or go back to Italy?"_

_"Might as well stay here. Vongola Decimo won't be as angry if I stay within the general vicinity of the runaway boss."_

_"Decimo would be much more pleased if you reported to him right now."_

_Mammon shrugged._

_And so, the two mists decided to stay in the nearby village. The townsman were amiable and let Fran work for food and shelter (Mammon sold Fran off as labour.), feeding them some tasty Repartida and letting them sleep in one of the local's attic._

_"Ushishishishi, the prince has found Mammon and the frog."_

_Fran looked up from the Repartida he was feeding as Mammon floated down from the roof. "Bel-senpai, long time no see."_

_"Mu, where are the others?"_

_"Ushishishi, I ditched the peasants, because I am a prince." Bel jumped over the wooden fence and walked towards the goat. "Ushishishi, the prince wants to know what the frog is doing."_

_"Bel-senpai, you need glasses. I am feeding this Repartida."_

_"Ushishishi, so this is not a Surrao." Bel hid his disappointment well._

_"It is."_

_The three varia members turned to the farmer. "Pardon?"_

_"This is a Surrao. Repartida is another name for Surrao."_

_"..." Fran blinked, Mammon blinked and Bel blinked. "Oh."_

_"Why does it take a week to ship to Italy if it lives on the pastures?"_

_The local laughed. "Well, there's the translation and forms needed to be filled out, since it is importing meat internationally. We also have a different way to prepare the meat properly so that it retains flavour." He shrugged. "Maybe that's why." With that, he left the stunned varia members to head back into the barn._

_"I see..." All three of them turned to the highlands as loud sounds of explosions erupted from that area._

_"Ushishishi... it seems like boss has reached the mountains."_

_"Mammon-senpai, boss would kill us if he finds out, wouldn't he?"_

_"Mu. Listen, Fran, Bel. This is a secret between the three of us."_

* * *

Author's Note:

I hope you enjoyed this chapter~ This was written as an experiment on points of view to see if this format is confusing or not. I think it's ok...  
I do have a few more ideas that can be written into one-shots but I would put them on hold for now since there are other things I want to write first... like Memoria -_-"  
Because of that, this will be labeled as 'complete' since it is technically completed as a one-shot.  
This will basically be my one-shot dump.  
Thank you for reading  
-1458


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